Monday, June 1, 2015

Week 4

I've never been more thankful for the last weeks to come rolling around. Don't think I've ever wished for something to be over so much! Haha.. Not even exams.

Still feeling the inadequacy, and still feeling like I might actually fudge it all up on my last year and that there's a long road ahead to prove myself. But hey, it's almost over.
I've been talking to many people about my situation and little by little I'm feeling more positive.
She still has a thing against me, I'm sure of it. But I can't walk into clinic with that approach every day, it doesn't achieve much and there is just a massive mental block that exists when I have that mindset. I do try to stay as positive as I can, but her truck of negativity does get me down still.
I'm just gonna have to work at it as best I can for the next 2 weeks.
Talked to my family but although they're a shoulder to lean on, they don't truly GET it. Sure they can provide me with reassurance and support but my dad will still think its an issue with my attitude towards the tutor. Which it really is not. I am nothing but respectful towards her in the clinic and I don't ever question her. And when my dad says things like that it just upsets me, because it goes to show that he really doesn't get it. However he does speak the blunt truth, and truth is that you're going to get shit bosses some time in your life, and unless you just learn to deal with it, you'll have a very difficult career ahead of you.

Talking to past students helped me alot, they know what its like, they've been through it before. And although they may not have been in as bad a situation as I, they understand how this tutor functions and how she makes people feel down on themselves. I got excellent words of advice from them. To not let her opinions dictate me and my concepts, and that I'm not as shit as I feel. I really shouldn't sell myself short. I'm good at what I do.

My older brother gets it. A few texts back to him and I feel better already. He's experienced the same thing many times, I can imagine being in a hospital intern setting would do terrible things to your self-esteem, constantly being looked down on and questioned by your superiors.. But he's learnt to put it aside and not let it get to him.
It's something I need to learn.

I've never had many issues in clinic, and I guess this has really taken me by surprise..
I'll just have to roll with it and prove to my other tutors back in Adelaide that her grade is not consistent with theirs.

Emotions fairly up and down lately. Hard time trying to control them.. The feeling of fragility is horrible.. But theres always an upside. The end is not far :) And who am I to complain. My problems are miniscule in comparison to other people. At least I'm alive, healthy and loved. Much to be thankful for.

Hope you guys are having a better 5 weeks than I am!

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